To the Person(s) Stealing My Newspapers
The evolution of a master thief and the gradual decline of one tenant’s mental stability
To the person(s) stealing my newspapers,
First off, I ask that you stop stealing my newspaper. If this is unacceptable please let me know.
In conclusion, if you keep taking my newspapers than I cannot read them, which is the exact reason I decided to subscribe.
Thanks,
Sam #25
To the person(s) stealing my newspapers,
I apologize for my last bulletin. Looking back on it I see that it came off as a little smug and I’m actually relieved you took it off the board and ripped it to pieces by the time I got back from the grocery store. That said, I didn’t get my Thursday or Friday paper this week and therefore couldn’t peruse the upcoming weekend’s events or read any movie reviews, which is the exact reason I like the Thursday and Friday papers.
Thanks,
Sam #25
To the person(s) stealing my newspapers,
Perhaps my previous messages have been condescending and overly sarcastic. I am sorry. And I know the papers appear in front of the building entrance but they are not community newspapers. To be perfectly honest, I don’t mind if you read the paper and replace it when you’re done. I wake up fairly late and I think this is a fair compromise.
On a related note, are you the same person who has been carefully placing crumbled up salt and vinegar chips in front of my door? FYI, I happen to love salt and vinegar chips.
Thanks,
Sam
To the animal(s) stealing my newspapers,
I ask the other building tenants to excuse my language, but are you fucking serious??? This is the second week in a row that you’ve stolen my goddamned Sunday paper. How fucking early did you wake up? Do you have nothing better to do? Seriously.
The Sunday paper alone accounts for, like, half the the subscription fee. All I have to say is keep it up, please. We’ll see what happens.
Up Yours,
Sam
To the person(s) stealing my newspapers,
This is getting insanely ridiculous and it’s starting to affect my life away from home. You cocksucker! The other night I went out with a group of friends, including a very attractive woman I had never met, and when the conversation turned to politics I was completely…not up to date. Who has the best quips about George Bush? Me. Now, I have no idea what crimes he’s committed today. But I improvised, and started to tell everyone about you, and guess what? They ate that shit up. What happened to the very attractive woman you ask? Let’s just say I had a reason not to get the paper that next morning.
Booyeah,
Sam
To the homeless man who rummages for cans in our dumpster behind the building at four in the morning,
I’m not saying that you’ve been taking my newspaper–though I did see you wrapped up in the sports and living arts sections the other day–I’m just wondering if you’ve seen anything. If you know anything, please notify me somehow, let’s say if you stop urinating on my bicycle seat and throwing bottles against the pavement I’ll know you know something and know that you’re safe to approach. And who knows, any information you provide leading to the discovery of this nasty culprit could result in a McDonald’s gift certificate.
Thanks,
The Midnight Black Schwinn Super Sport Ultra 2
To whomever was stealing my newspapers,
No more newspapers! I’ve cancelled my prescription. This is what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHWEFLKJNAL.
