Things I Think Are Funny But Are Better Left Unsaid

Things I Think Are Funny But Are Better Left Unsaid
I was talking to a couple people the other day about how great and edgy (though maybe not for back in the day) the line “Well, what do you expect? All we got on this team is a bunch of Jews, spics, niggers, pansies…and a booger-eating moron,” is from the original Bad News Bears. The fact that a little kid says this in a PG movie only adds to the charm of the beloved 70’s film about the misfit underdogs and should make today’s formulaic children’s sports-themed movies feel irreversible shame. But the line got me thinking about things that may be funny but are not proper to say aloud in today’s PC climate. Not everyone has a good or even adequate sense of humor, so I started to think of things that were funny but better left unsaid or things that would only be funny or acceptable in writing. I’m hoping people will add on to the list and we can keep a running journal of things better left unsaid.

Sam Reed

-I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Dawn Corleone.

-Hey everyone! A round of O’Douls on me!

-Are retards the only people who pull down their pants at the urinal?

-I’m thinking about getting a perm…

-I voted for our President because I think he’d be fun to have a barbecue with.

-Should I come outside?

-I thought it was a good play but the three rape scenes were a little too much.

-Those people are fucking animals.

-…then I really had him by the balls.
-Do you talk about all your patients this way?

-Give a sista bananas and you think you own her.

-Me so hungry. Me eat food long time.

-I saw a beat-up shitbox with the bumper sticker, “My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter.” Can you believe how openly anti-semitic people are these days? And how did they get such an ignorant and specific sticker made? I wanted to tell the sombitch, “Don’t blame your cheap boss for your poor excuse of a car, if you want something better go work on Wall Street. This is America.”

-I can count the number of guys I’ve blown on eighteen fingers.

-Don’t hold that cigarette with your mouth you’re going to get mouth cancer.

-Families are always rising and falling in America. Right?
-Who said that?
-DiCaprio.

-Can you pass me that oddly-shaped stool over there?

-It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Claire.

An exchange I had with a scary homeless man with a big bushy beard who took a cigarette and several quarters from me outside of Subway.
-People call me Charlie Manson, you know why?
-’Cause you look like him?
-No, because women would kill for me.
-I like that. I gotta go eat.
-You gonna feed me?

-Don’t tase me, bro

Who: A crowd of people, most wearing Bruins jerseys
What: Chants of “Yankees suck! Yankees suck!” then “Dolphins suck! Dolphins suck!” then “Fourteen and oh! Fourteen and oh!” then “Red-Sox! Red-Sox!”
When: Tonight
Where: Downtown Crossing T Station
Why: I guess because the Bruins lost to the Senators? And they have trouble keeping track of which team they should be cheering for and against.

-We ate chicken till the cows came home.

-Someone went into my bag and took the goddamn bookmark out of the book I was reading. That’s all they took. They took my bookmark and now I have no idea where I was. I’m going to have to start all over again.

-I’m, like, an alcoholic. I wish I were addicted to a cooler drug.